The only moment we have is Now. “The New Now” is where we are live without our dead person.
Grandma will not be here this Thanksgiving to make her butter horn rolls. She is dead.
Granddad will not be here to host the Friday After Thanksgiving football game complete with corndogs and root beer floats. He died in July.
Now What?
We may choose to remember with gratitude by retelling our memory to one another and saying “Thank You, Grandma for all the time and love you put into those delicious rolls” as we lovingly look skyward, casting our eyes down to our heart, or making eye or touch contact with one another. Recalling our favorite football play and saying “Thank you, Granddad for teaching me to spot the pitch and roll.”
By saying their name and the powerful words “Thank You” they are not forgotten.
I had a client that said, ”They will only be forgotten when there is no one left to say their name.”
Acknowledging them is our Grief work.
David Kessler teaches “Grief work unravels death”.
Watch the children in your midst. They intuitively know how to connect with one another in the midst of the grief and model for the rest of us, The New Now.
There is a Buddhist saying “Pain from loss is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
Pain from the hole in the family circle hurts in our heart. Suffering is what we do with that pain when we do not feel it to heal it. Suffering occurs when we resist our pain, when we long for the way things were instead of creating a new way of being with the gifts they gave us and the memories of them.
We can plan as a family to carry on those traditions. The rolls may not look as light and fluffy or even taste as good, but time together makes new connections with each other. My brother, Alan now makes these beautiful rolls since Mother’s death.
If we fail to plan, we are planning to fail to acknowledge their absence and our grief and thus be influenced by our thoughts which often loop over and over resulting in suffering.
Consider The New Now for your family this holiday season and go here to share your holiday plans and heart healing tips.
We are teachers to one another.
P.S. That first TG, Mother who died July 12th had her butter horn rolls in the freezer for us.
